i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
