your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
