i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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