There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
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Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
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I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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