I wannas sexs uuuuu
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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