I skipped work to stalk him.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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