saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
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Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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