I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
