I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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