Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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