i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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