ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
