if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
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This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
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I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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