I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
