It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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