I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize