U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
