I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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