so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
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Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
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Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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