he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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