I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
