I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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