goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
