My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
