why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I need a beard to bite.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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