Don't make out with my wife yet
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
