Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
