she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
