can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
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Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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