The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
