i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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