You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
