So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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