so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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