I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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