I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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