she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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