I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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