You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
