Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
