Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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