You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
