When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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