So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
