The best revenge is premature balding
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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