Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I forget how to act sober
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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