if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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