Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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