You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
