First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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