seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
