Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
