Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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